003 of Songs from a Sketchbook is called "Close" and is out now on Spotify & iTunes. You can also hear the song by clicking here.
I have this list of songs that I love so much that I wish I had written them. Like, I actually feel mad because the artist voices so perfectly what they're singing about and I know I could never do any better.
One of those songs is called "Run Every Time" by Gavin DeGraw.
I'm listening to it right now while I'm writing this blog. You should too.
It's all about struggling with commitment and other than being lyrically incredible, the kick drum is so warm and fat and I want it to be in every song forever and ever, amen.
As you may or may not know, I'm 26.
This means most of my friends are married, are about to get married, or are wondering when/if they're going to get married.
I feel... differently.
But before I go all crazy on marriage, let me say that the friends that I have that are married seem 100% made for each other. I admire who they are individually and as couples. They're easy to be around and each relationship is incredibly unique.
Okay, so aside from needing to go to therapy to better understand my fear of commitment, this is how I feel about getting married in your twenties...
Around what age would you say most people become independent adults? By this I mean they've moved out on their own and their parents aren't keeping them afloat financially.
Let's just say 25ish, cause I'm too lazy to google it.
Here are some other really solid stats.
Most of us graduate from high school at 18ish and college at 22ish.
That means that you've maybe been your own person for about 3-7ish years. By this I mean you're out in the world learning what it means to be a human that isn't living directly under the supervision of an/other human/s.
Do you think that's enough time to figure out who you are before entering into a lifetime commitment with another human who also had 3-7ish years to figure out the same?
We come into the world as blank slates and spend 18-22ish years being brainwashed in good and bad ways and then you enter the world again as an "adult" and get to choose what you do with everything that's been thrust upon you.
So yes, I'm 26 but I really feel like a 6 year old stumbling aimlessly around the world.
I just don't think it's enough time to know anything about anything. I think it's one reason we see adults in their 40's and 50's getting divorced and reverting back to something that resembles a teenager. They're trying to go back and figure out who they are as individuals because they never took the opportunity to do so when they were younger.
I want to look back on my twenties and feel like I really took advantage of the time I had. I want to be able to say, "Yeah, I did stuff. I tried that. I made mistakes. I traveled there. I was brave. I pursued my dream. I lived life. I felt free."
I operate presently with this future perspective a lot.
I'm not saying people can't do similar things in a relationship but it is different.
Even in the best, most healthy of relationships, both people have to compromise and act with the other person in mind.
I struggle with commitment because I feel like this may be the only time in my life that I'm entitled to being selfish.
However, it does make me afraid that I might be passing up on something good, that I'm not allowing myself to fall in love because of my brain.
This song is about a girl who has suffered a lot at the expense of my brain.
It's a very specific song, inspired by one of my personal favorites.
One time, I was telling a friend these same thoughts and all she said in response was -
"You think too much. You need to have your ass kicked by love."
Maybe one day my stubborn brain will be ready to lose.